


마음

by sasofy



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 07:54:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6696265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasofy/pseuds/sasofy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sungyeol's trapped in a bathroom, and Sunggyu runs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	마음

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [InfiniteRarepairFicathon2016](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/InfiniteRarepairFicathon2016) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
> Sunggyu runs and Sungyeol's trapped in a bathroom.
> 
> (if you can make it angsty, I love you. if you can't, well, I'll still love you)

Sungyeol gasps for air as he locks the door behind him, hands shaking. _Not again,_ he thinks as his knees finally give out and he falls to the bathroom floor, all his strength gone now that he's alone, away from prying eyes. It's been so long since the last time—he had really thought—

But of course not. He can never get rid of it. It's going to haunt him his whole life, he knows it. But he had hoped—

His chest tightens, a wave of fear hitting him full strength, like a kick in the stomach. He curls upon himself, sobbing even though no tears are coming out.

He can't even cry when he's like this, can hardly breathe. All he can do is stay still and shiver as he waits for the dreadful sense of imminent danger to pass.

He knows that there's nothing to be afraid of, that he's as safe as he could ever be, locked in a bathroom stall at uni; he knows it's all in his mind. Today was a good day, or maybe not good but normal, no different from any other before, nothing in it that could have triggered something like this. But there never is. He's always OK before, talking and laughing and doing whatever he's doing until the fear hits him, crippling, freezing him.

Another wave strikes, leaving him breathless. He suddenly wishes he hadn't left the cafeteria so fast, that he weren't alone here, like this, with no one to help. Although—·what difference does it make, really? Along or among a crowd of people, it's all the same. Nothing, no one can help. All they can do is look on in horror as Sungyeol withers upon himself in pain and fear, so humiliating—

But no, that's not true. There's something that helps, a little bit–someone—

No. He can't, won't call him again, not after last time, even though he had promised he would. _Call me. Whenever it happens, wherever you are, just call me–OK, Sungyeol? Don't you dare try to go through this alone ever again, you hear me?_ Yes, Sungyeol said, I'll call you, although even as he said it, he knew that he wouldn't. He had already embarrassed himself in front of him enough.

He now wishes he hadn't called him even that one time. This isn't the side of himself that he wants to show him—god knows if he doesn't have very little to offer as it is—but it had felt so good, being in his arms, surrounded by his warmth and smell and his voice, so soothing even though he could hardly make out what he was saying, the fear overtaking everything. It reminded him that this would end, eventually. That he wasn't alone, but with him.

Him. It couldn't be anyone else.

Can he really let himself indulge in that? He will get used to it, and then what if he leaves? It will be even harder, having to go back to how it used to be before, when he had to deal with it by himself, no soft hands stroking his back and lips whispering against his ear—

_Promise me, Sungyeol._

Sungyeol closes his eyes, his whole body shaking. No, he tells himself even as his hands reach for his phone and he pushes in the familiar number, the phone ringing in the silence of the bathroom. No, I won't, I—

_Hyung…_

 

 

  
Sunggyu runs.

His heart is beating in his chest, so fast he can almost feel it, thumping against his ribcage. He must look like an idiot, running through the university corridors as if his life depended on it, people stopping to stare at him as he passes by. He doesn't care, doesn't give a fuck what people think. He just needs to be fast, faster, to reach him—

_Hyung… I can't breathe…_

The fear makes his legs wobble again. _Shit._ He was in a lecture when he called him, Sunggyu glancing down at his vibrating phone, annoyed, about to switch it off before he saw the name on the screen—

He ran right out of the lecture hall, not giving a fuck about the professor or the other students or even his stuff, left there just like that, reaching Sungyeol as soon as possible the only thing on his mind.

If only he fucking knew where he was. _Bathroom,_ Sungyeol had whispered into the phone, the way his voice shook, barely audible, making Sunggyu's stomach twist with worry; _bathroom,_ but he's already been to three, four of them, and there was no sign of Sungyeol. If only this stupid campus didn't have so many bathrooms—

"Hyung—"

He runs right into someone, both of them falling to the floor. _Sungjong,_ he registers even as he's already getting to his feet, making to run for it again before Sungjong can talk to him, but then he stops.

"Sungyeol," he says, looking right into Sungjong's puzzled face. "D-did you see him?"

"Sungyeol hyung… ? No, I— _hyung!"_

Sunggyu sprints through corridors, halls, stairs. He knows he was lucky, in a way—that Sungyeol called him while he was here on campus, while they both were, and not in different places, too far away–but how is he supposed to find him now? If he checks out every single bathroom on campus there will be no end of it, and he won't be able to reach him, not before—

Another bathroom, no Sungyeol.

_"Shit!"_

Sunggyu kicks at a stall door, one, two times. A couple of guys look at him, bewildered, but Sunggyu doesn't give a shit. He keeps kicking, frustrated, furious—

"Why do you bother?"

Hoya's words suddenly come back to him. He and Sungyeol had fought again, and he was complaining to Hoya about him, going on about how Sungyeol was reckless, rude, childish—

"Then stop hanging out with him!" Hoya snapped at him. "Seriously hyung, why do you even bother?"

Sunggyu just blinked at him, because for all his talk of how much Sungyeol sucks, it had never even crossed his mind to stop seeing him. To him, it wasn't even an option.

"I mean, what's so great about him anyway? He's just a pretentious, loud-mouthed kid. I don't understand why you—"

_Indeed, why?_ Sunggyu asks himself as he starts running again. Why does he care so much? It's not the first time he wonders about it. He's not the caring type, the kind of person who worries about those around him. As a rule, he's bothered, disgusted by sickness and pain, always staying out of the way as much as possible when someone in his family is ill, immediately looking away and changing the channel when one of those grim, horrible stories come up on TV. He knows deep down that it's not disgust but fear, but that doesn't change the final result. He avoids it.

But then why is he running towards it now?

He was scared the first time, too, frozen with fear as he looked at Sungyeol. _Run away,_ his mind had screamed at him, and he could easily have—god knows he wanted to. But even as he thought it he found himself kneeling on the floor next to him, pulling Sungyeol into his arms even as he shivered himself.

It's almost like when it comes to Sungyeol, his mind shuts down, his body taking over, moving on its own—or maybe not his body, his heart—and there's nothing he can do about it.

Because Sungyeol—

Other people don't understand. They only see the surface, the sharp tongue, the cheekiness, the easy laugh. They've never seen him like that, have never held him as he shivers and struggles with every breath. They don't know how scared, how vulnerable Sungyeol is deep down in his heart.

Sunggyu just can't leave him alone.

 

 

 

Sungyeol has fallen into a panicked daze when hears it. Hurried steps, a door slamming, and then a voice—that voice—

"Sungyeol!"

His eyes snap open, despite everything.

_Hyung–_

But then the fear, the anxiety takes hold of him again. Why did he come? Why did he ask him to? Now he's going to see him like this, a mess—

"Sungyeol! Are you here? Sungyeol—"

No, he's not going to answer. He'll stay quiet and pretend he's not here so he will leave, won't see him. But Sunggyu's voice sounds so hoarse, like he's been shouting, and the way he opens and kicks each stall door, almost desperately—

"…hyung…" Sungyeol whispers before he can stop himself. "…here…"

He doesn't think Sunggyu will hear him, but he does.

_"Sungyeol!"_

He's trying to open the door to his stall, but _shit,_ he locked it when he came in—

"Sungyeol, open up!"

Sungyeol tries, but he can't reach the lock, can't even get to his feet, he's shaking so badly. _Can't,_ he tries to say, but no sound comes out of his mouth. Sunggyu keeps calling his name, and so he grits his teeth and slowly gets to his knees, the shaking so severe he feels like he's going to fall to the floor again any time, and unlocks the door.

It immediately swings open to reveal Sunggyu, flustered, panting, eyes wide. Sungyeol freezes. He's suddenly reminded of how embarrassing, disgusting he must look right now, and shit, why did he even let him in? Why did he call him at all? He—

But then he's being pulled into Sunggyu's arms, and he can't think anymore.

 

 

 

Sunggyu locks the door again with one hand, the other still circling Sungyeol's waist. He lowers the both of them to the floor, keeping Sungyeol pressed tightly against him, so that he's almost sitting on his lap, face hidden against his neck. It's not a comfortable position—Sungyeol is too tall, and the stall is cramped enough as it is—but no way Sunggyu is letting go.

He hugs Sungyeol even tighter. He's shaking so hard it feels like Sunggyu is shaking, too (and maybe he is). "Sungyeol," he whispers into his ear, "Sungyeol, can you hear me?"

Sungyeol keeps shivering and sobbing and panting, but Sunggyu can still feel it, the slight nod of the head, Sungyeol's lips moving as if to say something.

"OK. OK, breathe with me, Sungyeol—alright? Just follow me. OK?"

Sungyeol whimpers, and Sunggyu can't help it. He presses a quick, soft kiss against the shell of his ear, even though he knows it's useless, that it won't make it any better. He hates himself for being like this, unable to restrain himself even when Sungyeol is so broken, taking advantage of the fact that he can't push him away right now—

But no, nevermind that. Sungyeol—he needs to focus on him right now.

Sunggyu keeps whispering in his ear, his hand slipping under his shirt, caressing Sungyeol's back; he knows it helps, that it calms him a little bit. His other hand moves over Sungyeol's chest until he finds it, the familiar, soft thumping that always comforts him, even at a time like this.

Sungyeol's heart.

 

 

 

  
They're holding hands as they walk through the university corridors, slowly, quietly. The warmth of Sungyeol's skin against his spreads through Sunggyu, making his heart beat faster. He's held Sungyeol in his arms, whispered into his ear and stroked his back, but he's never held his hand before. This is the first time. He grasped it as soon as they walked out of that damn bathroom, and Sungyeol let him. Sunggyu wonders if he's just too tired to pull away.

He wonders if Sungyeol likes it, too.

He glances up at him, and immediately feels like an idiot. Holding Sunggyu's hand is probably the last thing on Sungyeol's mind right now. It should be the same for Sunggyu, too. How can he think about something like that when Sungyeol just had a fucking panic attack, shivering and sobbing for so long Sunggyu thought it would never stop?

_... Idiot._

Sungyeol's face looks pale, wan. His eyes are all puffy and red, even though he didn't really cry at all. Sunggyu tried to wash his face before, but Sungyeol wouldn't let him. "I can do it," he mumbled, one of the few things he's said since the attack passed. Sunggyu looked at his back as he bent over the sink, splashing his face with water over and over again.

And as he looks at him now, Sunggyu thinks it's unfair, how Sungyeol still manages to look so handsome, despite everything.

He quickly looks away.

"So, uh… what do you want to do now? Do you want me to walk you home? Or… Do you want to get something to eat? Or maybe coffee—"

When Sungyeol doesn't say anything, Sunggyu looks up—and is startled to see tears trickling down Sungyeol's cheeks, silently.

_What—_

"No…" Sunggyu says, _"Again?!"_

He knows he sounds mad, but he can't help it—he _is_ mad, furious at this fucking thing that keep torturing Sungyeol over and over again. Hasn't he suffered enough already? Why can't it leave him alone?

Sungyeol snatches his hand out of Sunggyu's grasp, almost startling him.

"You… you think I'm doing this because I want to?"

Sunggyu stares.

"Do you have any idea how ashamed I feel right now... ? I… You are the last person I want to see me like this—" Sungyeol is sobbing now, tears streaming down his face. "I–I don't want you to pity me…. "

"Sungyeol—"

"I want you to see me as a man, not… not a charity case or—"

Sunggyu freezes.

Sungyeol makes to turn away, but Sunggyu grabs his arm.

"Wait a second. What did you say?"

Sungyeol doesn't reply. He doesn't even turn around to look at him.

"When have I ever seen you as… what was the word? A charity case—"

"Of course you do," Sungyeol sobs, finally looking at him. "Why else would you… "

He doesn't continue, but he doesn't have to. Sunggyu can't believe it, that this is what Sungyeol thinks, that he hasn't shown him enough already—

"Sungyeol… that's not—"

"I knew you'd deny it… you–you are just too nice to say it as it is—"

_Nice?_

Sunggyu would laugh if he could.

Because really, doesn't Sungyeol know him at all? When has he ever done anything just to be nice—or out of pity, for that matter? Certainly not this. No, if anything, it's because he's greedy, because he wants Sungyeol so much—

"Didn't it cross your mind that maybe I'm doing it because I want to? Because—"

_Because I—_

But he can't say it. And Sungyeol is already turning around anyway, shaking his head as more tears fall down his cheeks.

"As if… as if anyone would want to see this… "

Sunggyu is very, very tempted to let him go, because he's already spelled it out for him and if Sungyeol still doesn't get it, well then—but that's just his mind. His body is already reaching out, grabbing Sungyeol's arm again and pulling him towards him.

Sungyeol looks at him, big eyes full of tears; he really doesn't get it, why Sunggyu is holding him back. Sunggyu looks back for a moment, then he leans in and kisses him.

But not before having taken Sungyeol's hand and pressed it against his chest, gently, where his heart is. Wishing it could convey what he can't say.

_… I love you._


End file.
